Anger Management

Anger is often the result of emotional situations escalating and becoming out of control. Look at how children behave. They often get angry, throw tantrums, become hysterical when they are distressed by a situation. This distress usually occurs when they feel unheard, disregarded or ignored. They often don't know how to convey their feelings and anger can erupt as their frustration grows.

We can see this situation in adult behaviour too. When an adult feels that they have run out of options they may well resort to anger to gain others attention.
Let's look at some of the causes of anger problems.

- Learned angry behaviour can occur when a child witnesses anger as a routine way of handling annoyance or displeasure, usually in their home. When a person witnesses anger as the regular way of communicating unhappiness and disagreement, especially during their formative years, it can be difficult to unlearn that response and find better, more constructive ways of addressing problems. Some people learn to accept becoming angry as a normal way of reacting, others may dread a tense atmosphere and be afraid to voice opinions or disagreement, becoming quiet and timid as a way of avoiding any disapproval.

- Disrespect is often a feature of an angry situation. When a person feels foolish, ignored, undermined by someone else they are often at a loss as to what to do. Sometimes that person may feel that any attention is better than none and will set out to get themselves noticed, even if it means shouting and causing an angry scene.

- Frustration. A person may grow to feel that whatever they do, however hard they try, they are always going to be perceived in a negative way. It can be frustrating to continually try to better oneself, to be motivated enough to want to improve and impress others, only to be continually disregarded. They may feel that their efforts are less well rewarded, that they never quite get the same recognition as others or that good opportunities don't seem to come their way.

- Poor communication skills, especially in the presence of someone who is perceived as being highly educated and articulate can make a person become tongue-tied and unsure as to what to say. Over time this person may lose their confidence, their self-esteem may be eroded and they are left feeling that they cannot communicate well enough to be heard. Or worse still, they may feel that what they do say will be seen as foolish, unclear or poorly phrased.

- Bullying situations can prompt an angry response at times. When a person is bullied over a sustained period they often lose the ability to communicate their situation. They may feel weak, ashamed, they may feel that it's their fault, that they are in some way to blame. Often expressing individual examples of the bullying can seem to be trivial or they feel that it is something that they should be able to handle effectively themselves. Anger can eventually erupt as the pressure builds up and they feel determined to try to put an end to the situation.

- Losing can cause anger. Some people are ill-equipped to deal with failure or rejection. They may have always been a winner, they may have been a golden child who always did well. Losing out can be an unfamiliar situation where they have little or no skills to cope. Throwing a temper tantrum and becoming angry may be a reaction to the unfamiliarity of the situation and evidence of their lack of resources to cope with it.

Anger is often about feeling vulnerable or unable to control what is happening. It is important to learn to remain calm, identify what is going on and why we are so affected by it. Then we can determine what needs to be done to improve the situation and find appropriate ways to communicate how we feel. It can take time to achieve this but is an important part of becoming a responsible adult.

Managing anger is about addressing the underlying reasons for the behaviour and then finding more effective ways of treating potential conflict situations. Learning to stay calm and in control allows everyone to have their say and feel heard and respected. Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with clients in angry situations, seeing either individuals or working within a relationship context.