Anger Management

Everyone knows the feeling of being frustrated or angry. This can be about very small things like not putting back the cap on the toothpaste or your housemate is playing the music too loud. It all starts with minor issues that will build up and build up over time and finally.. you explode (also called the volcano). This is the moment when you get a burn out towards the other person and the other person you are yelling at doesn't even know what he or she did wrong. The way to get in control of your anger is to be assertive and to address your anger. But I know people are scared of conflict. They will avoid it all costs. But what happens when someone annoys you? You probably bite your tongue and say nothing which results in you being more frustrated then you were before. It will build up and build up over time until one day all this anger will come out. If you would have been assertive and addressed it, your frustrations would have been gone and it would feel as a great relieve. Another way to address your anger is to set clear boundaries. Know where your boundaries are, and say NO if people cross them. If people know that they can cross your minor boundaries they WILL cross them and will go further and further. If you do not set clear boundaries you won't be able to be in control of your anger. Having clear boundaries and enforcing those boundaries regularly, through telling people when they have crossed over those boundaries will insure that you effectively manage your anger.

Passive aggression is also an expression of anger. It is a socially excepted way how people dealing with their anger. But that doesn't mean it is less worse than the volcano. Examples of passive aggressive are: using sarcasm, avoidance and the silent treatment. People who are using the silent treatment (and that are a lot of people) doesn't want to make a scene, they remain quiet and say nothing. They expect that the other person can read their mind and know what is wrong. It can be one of the most annoying emotions not only to experience but also to project on other people.

Then there are the short term band aid solutions to cope with your anger. They are called band aid solutions because they only work for a short period of time. People will drink excessively, sport excessively, go Facebooking, gossiping, shopping all the sort of stuff to keep your mind of the problems. But these solutions won't work for the long run. It doesn't solve the real problem. That is why it is so important to be assertive and to address it. I know it is difficult to start that confronting conversation but once you've done it you realize that it helped you to get rid of those angry frustrating feelings. Just try it, you see it will work.

Anger management techniques can help with immediate conflict resolution. You can usually tell when you're about to get angry. You get angry enough, and if you've been graced with the slightest bit of introspective thinking, then you'll pick up on the patterns. For some, the click over to angry bird is stark. Sometimes, it's just a word or a phrase that a wife says, and you notice that you can't let go of it. When that's the case, you have to try hard to get away from the situation. That's one of the anger management techniques that folks pick up on rather quickly. For these folks, they realize that anger is a problem, and the quickest, best solution at the moment, is to just avoid the flare-up all together.

Call this isolation technique and approach to avoiding the problem. It's not a solution; again, you're merely avoiding the problem, and not at all calling out the cause or root of the problem at hand. Now, it should be noted as well that this is a technique that really works for folks that are not predisposed to various issues involving psychiatric disorders such as bi-polar disorders of varying types, or even schizophrenia on the more extreme end of things. This really just works for folks that are generally healthy, except for a few ideological hang-ups that really send the person flying. So, back to the set of anger management techniques: when you notice that you're picking up on the pattern of getting angry, you should practice it.

You should deliberately put yourself into safer situations that you know you will be able to handle. You administer small doses of those things that you know will really send you off the deep end. But make sure (and again, we need to reiterate this): small doses. So this might involve, as a somewhat silly example of this, running away from the kitchen table, as soon as you hear something irritating uttered by your wife, your child, or whoever. It isn't the most graceful of anger management techniques, but it works to avoid the violence that might ensue should you stick around.

Of course, this only helps to bridge you over to a set of anger management techniques that you can take with you, over the long haul (and we're talking about the rest of your life here). This is a stopgap solution, if you will. So again, for some it's a stark click on, triggered by some phrase or comments made at a table or wherever. For some, though, it's a gradual process. And it builds up. In some senses, this is a little riskier a situation to deal with, because before you know (or rather, you won't realize it until it's too late), you're angry, and it's manifested itself, and all hell had broken loose already. Learning anger management techniques can help you to avoid this scenario and to not only resolve conflict, but to avoid it completely.

Dealing with anger is not a skill we are born with. Anger is an emotion that each one of us encounters many times in our life and it can turn ugly and hurtful very fast. Everyone deals with this powerful emotion in their own way. If we encounter an angry adult we may watch to see how they deal with the issue and we can often choose to not get involved. As parents it is important for us to realize what is going on with our children and not overlook the angry child. There are various ways to deal with a child that is angry but it is just as important to help the child learn to deal with their emotions.

The way we respond to this emotion is learned and taught at a very early age. It is important to send your child the right message about what is appropriate. It will be much easier to learn as children because even though we can change the way we deal with anger as an adult, it will be a lot of work.

It is best to teach anger management in children at a very early age. But be careful here, in order to help a child deal effectively with their anger you need to have control of your own.

It might be hard to understand why a child would be so angry that it interferes with the way he lives his life. Anger issues can be as difficult to deal with at any age and the first thing to do is get a medical opinion. Make sure there is not a medical reason for the behavior. Medical or not you will still need to deal with situations as they arise.

1. It is much easier to teach a child something by setting a good example.

2. It is important to recognize their positive qualities and reinforce their weaker ones with praise, encouragement and support while they learn to master each life skill.

3. Children cannot always relay their feelings, they might say they are mad when they are really angry or hurt. Open the door for conversation and help the child understand what they are feeling.

4. A child is not mature enough to take on the problems of adults but their issues are very important to them.

Ways To Help An Angry Child Learn Anger Management

1. Overlook the little things (once in a while) but make sure the child knows you are allowing him the opportunity to modify his behavior

2. Time outs can be a punishment to the adult as much as the child, I prefer to redirect. I find this tactic helpful for people of any age but it doesn't always work.

3. Teach a child to be empathetic by focusing on the feelings of the victim

4. Discuss the object of frustration and discuss options

5. Recognize the frustration and empathize but, reinforce the importance of self control and choices

6. Sometimes it is best to start a child thinking about the consequences the actions will have on his future. No recess tomorrow, no bike, phone etc... In order for this to work the child needs to know that he can depend on you to follow through and help them calm down.

7. Teach a child to deep breathe when he is upset. This skill will strengthen their lungs as well as help them distress.

It is often said that an angry man shuts his eyes and opens mouth. It points to two implications of anger. One is that it temporarily blinds us by making us emotional. For a brief spell, we are under the influence of that emotion. Secondly, we become disoriented, so our ability to think, reason and act wisely is interrupted. We are likely to talk rubbish and mess up things.

Anger can play havoc on relationships, spoil great opportunities that come our way and create new problems. Above all, it causes a lot of our precious time to be wasted. If we are keen to improve ourselves in terms of our quality as human beings, one of the things that need to be given top priority is the art of anger management. There are several techniques suggested for anger management, the most common among them being number counting, though the efficacy of these methods varies from individual to individual depending upon their understanding of such methods. By counting numbers, even if we are able to get back to the senses, the problem does not end there. Since anger is a recurring phenomenon, we would do well to consider long-term remedies so that we may have fewer occasions that require us to count numbers or run to the dance floor. We can do so by attending to the roots of the problem.

It is plain common sense that anger is a by-product of inefficiency or an assumed sense of powerlessness. When we face a problem for which we are unable to find a solution or when we have to face a question for which we do not know the answer, the spontaneous human reaction is anger. We use it as form of escapism when answers elude us. So we know now what anger management must be able to accomplish. On the one hand, it should help us to identify the issues over which we feel apparently helpless. On the other, we must be able to work out feasible solutions for these issues.

A more dangerous application of anger is in psychological game play, where it is used as a platform to initiate ulterior transactions. It is necessary to immunize ourselves from that trap and it is possible only through self-awareness. Being angry or feigning anger to exercise control over others is an indication of an immature mind and such behaviour poorly reflects on one's personality. Our individual as well as collective development and prosperity are the functions of an atmosphere that is free from fear and inspired by an open mind. Anger is undesirable in both ways for it promotes fear and discourages open mind.

Anger management classes can teach you how to stay in control. After all, we've all probably heard the advice that we should keep our mouths closed if we do not have anything nice to say. Knowing that and applying it are two different things. When we are upset, we tend to say things that we should not. We end up saying things that really are better left unsaid. On several occasions, we end up saying things to purposely hurt a person's feelings. Situations like this often lead to relationships that are damaged beyond repair. To avoid these things from happening, you should sign up for an anger management class so that you can be on your way to controlling your temper better. Both you and your family will benefit from this course of action.

Some people rationalize their actions by saying that they were just extremely emotional at the time. This is exactly the reason why attending an anger management class is necessary. Ordinarily, people who are extremely upset do not act in a manner that will cause severe damage to people that they love. If you find yourself causing pain that is beyond what the situation warrants, consider that as a sign that you need help to put your emotions under control. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry per se. We all get angry at some point. Your anger management classes will help you maintain control over what you do or say when you are in the midst of extreme emotion. Instead of screaming and shouting at people, you will learn techniques to get yourself to calm down sufficiently so that you can engage in a conversation. This is more fruitful than screaming at people. With a conversation, there is hope of resolving the issue on hand. With screaming only comes more screaming. Nothing gets resolved because no one listens. Everyone is too busy trying to get heard.

If you have ever physically hurt someone in anger, then it imperative for you to get help. It has been shown that people with violent tendencies tend to increase the level of violence that they exhibit as time passes. Before things go too far and you hurt someone really bad, get the help that you need. There are many people who have been convicted of crimes of passion. In a nutshell, these are people who committed a crime because they let their temper gain control over them. What you should aim to have the ability to do is to take control over your emotions. Never is this more important than when you are extremely angry and probe to doing harm to those around you. By continuously attending anger management classes, you will find yourself becoming equipped to deal with anger.

For victims of child sexual abuse, anger isn't always a bad thing. There is a good and healthy expression of it that can really help someone recover from all those pain, suffering, and trauma. It is a fact that most sexual abuse victims feel or experience a certain level of anger for the duration of their lives. Since anger is just a product of emotion, there are things that can be done in order to either control it or use it to an advantage.

Nevertheless, majority of victims still use anger as a means to escape pain and put reasoning on the question of why they were chosen to be abused. For people who did not suffer from sexual exploitation, it is so easy to blame those who did suffer and ended up losing their life and future. But for the victims, it seems like being angry at oneself, to others, and to the abuser is the only way to answer all those confusion inside them.

Anger and Self-Destruction

By the time a victim feels the pain and trauma of the abuse, she starts to blame herself. Most of them would think that getting sexually abused is their fault. Anger is therefore directed to them. As soon as this happens, self-destruction in the form of addiction, inflict pain, and suicidal tendencies are common consequences. Anger in this form does not help in any way for the recovery and healing.

"It's Their Fault!"

Placing anger and blame to other people and society is another form of using this emotion in an unhealthy manner. If victims plan to heal and recover from the trauma of child sexual abuse, blaming others and hating them will just worsen the whole picture. There are many instances where survivors find themselves alone - with no one else there to help and protect them from the abuser. As a consequence, they begin to build a mentality that everyone around them including their parents, relatives, and friends betrayed them. Anger at this instance will surely ruin whatever future relationships the victims may have in the long run.

In reality though, anger is just a natural product of the mind. Once a child becomes a victim of sexual abuse, negative effects will surely surface and that includes anger and shame. Victims must look at it as something that's going to appear no matter how strong they try to fight it back. The important thing to do is try to express this emotion to their advantage. When anger is kept to oneself, it becomes destructive. When it is expressed and let others know about it, it's a way of expressing and letting it all out. The good thing about expressing anger is that victims will eventually learn to eliminate it.

In these stressful times maintaining balance in our lives can be challenging without anger management classes. With our emotions, we really have to subscribe to patterns. It's too tough to try to think our way out of emotional issues. This is why it's harder to make clearer decisions about a relationship, when the decisions are about a relationship that you're in. You need an outside perspective. Likewise, what you learn in anger management classes is that you often have to rely on the outside world, in order to get a grip on what's going on inside. It's almost as if your emotional inside is this swirling pit of a typhoon or hurricane, and that all you need to do is to latch onto branch or something, to pull and haul yourself out of the vicious, vicious cycle. Some of the thing that you can expect to pick up on in these anger management classes really revolves around this idea of patterns. You have to pick up on the slightest indications about how you feel, about your feelings, and concretely, about the types of ideas and concepts that pass through your mind, just before things start to absorb your violence. For most folks, they can only pick up on these things, after a few outbreaks and slip-ups. And that's fine, and to be expected.

But reflection is called for. After the dust has settled, the one that's having problems with anger, really has to analyze what all has been damaged around them. They have to survey the ruins, in order to figure out, or even attempt to measure the extent of the damage they've inflicted. Let's say that a person suffering from anger control issues had just verbally assaulted a loved one, and is trying to do just this: assess the damages. What he can do is he can try to replay the words and the ideas that he transmitted to the people around him.

How did he react? Was this good? Was this respectable? Were the actions portrayed there, something that would be considered classy, per se? Actions should be assessed, as well, by interviewing the people that have been affected. But the attacker himself can't do the interviewing, of course. And this is where a talk-therapist might come into play (or a counselor, psychologist, or even a psychiatrist). The problems that you'll learn to decipher from these anger management classes will also revolve around material solutions, such as diet. There are definitely inciters that are out there, in the everyday list of foods that we all indulge in from time to time. Anything with caffeine can exacerbate anger issues. Not only this but factors such as sleep, getting good rest, and keeping a balanced lifestyle are all things that anger management classes touch on.

Once of the most common reasons why people attend Anger Related counselling is problems in their marriage or relationships. Usually one partner will have "exploded" and the other partner has threatened to leave them unless they do something about their anger management problems. Probably not the best motivation but I guess it gets them to anger counselling sessions.... and that is the main thing!

If we look at all the different areas of our lives. For example:

* Romantic Relationships

* Career/ Study

* Finance

* Family

* Health and Fitness

Generally, people will find that the majority of anger management problems occur at home in the area of romantic relationships. Why is this the case you may be wondering? Is this the case for you?

The whole point of this article is to explain why anger management problems are so prevalent at home and more importantly what you can do about it. Lets kick this discussion off with the anger management cycle.

The Anger Management Cycle

How does anger build in romantic relationships or in marriages? The answer is always the same - it builds because different partners do not address their anger and don't deal with issues in their relationships, until it is too late.

Either the relationship has completely broken down and/ or someone has had an anger outburst and been ordered along to anger management counselling sessions.

Ask any marriage expert and they will tell you that the secret to any successful marriage is open communication. I agree wholeheartedly with this idea. However, what exactly does this mean in terms of anger management and in terms of having a healthy marriage? It means talking about important issues in your relationship and addressing them and moving on with your life. Not harboring resentment and bitterness and passive aggression.

In any relationship, issues are going to come up. That is only natural. For example you may be worried that:

* Your partner is going to leave you and find someone else or vice versa

* Your partner doesn't respect you

* Your partner is cheating on you

....and the list goes on. The problem occurs when these underlying issues are never addressed. And what happens within you when issues are not addressed? Anxiety, frustration and ultimately anger.

What's Beneath The Iceberg?

It sounds like a pretty simple concept doesn't it. If you get annoyed by your partner or some issue comes up for you then address it! However, this is easier said than done on the whole. You may be wondering why? Lets now explore what is beneath the iceberg when it comes to romantic relationships.

Anger is a human emotion. It is strongly linked to rage, and all of us have experienced it in some form since we were children. We are taught as children that anger and rage are not OK, and so we learn very early on and very skilfully to hide our anger and our rage.

Anger is also linked to fear. It is often a fear response that triggers an angry outburst, and is part of the fight or flight response. But fighting and retreating are actions that we take in response to an external threat. These actions are inbuilt into our system, and exist in order to preserve our life - they are a function of the part of our brain known as the limbic system. When this function of the limbic system is triggered, we find we have acted before we have realised it consciously. On the other hand, fear and anger are emotions that are part of the same response, but generally are responding to an internal thought or perception about a situation. Since these are an internal representation of what we see, we can usually do something about these types of reactions before they create a problem for us in the external world.

Does this mean that we can make the emotions disappear? Emotion is energy. What happens to energy when it is no longer discernible - does it cease to exist? Or is it transformed into something else? Physics teaches us that energy cannot be destroyed, it is always transformed into something else. If we push down and deny our anger, it will re-emerge in some other form, often as pain and disease in the body. Or we project it on to those around us and become a target for another's anger. Which sets up a cycle of blame and recrimination, sometimes for decades.

If you attract angry people in your life, it might be worth examining situations where you do not own your own angry emotions. You have the option to transform your unwanted anger into a more productive force. Anger has so much energy in it, imagine what you could accomplish if you could transmute it into an area in your life that needs a burst of energy and enthusiasm!

The need for forgiveness of those who have earned our angry or raging emotions is critical so that we avoid these emotions turning against ourselves and emerging as serious health issues. Often we feel anger, and are unable to forgive those who have wronged us - we believe that they should pay for what they have done. But if we look at our output on an energetic level, what we put out comes back to us three times and more. If we are putting our anger "out there" then we attract it back to us x 3. If we put out forgiveness, the same thing. Love, acceptance, kindness - what do you want to attract back to yourself?

Forgiveness is not about letting people off the hook. It is about freeing yourself from a destructive cycle that has no good outcome for your mind, your relationships or your health.

Summer is here. If you work outside, even the shade can be an oven. If you work inside, chances are you have year-end deadlines, holiday sales to conduct, or new regulations to learn. Coworkers are taking vacations. Everyone is doing double-duties while some other guy gets away. Kids are all under foot unless you have a new routine to keep them supervised. And in the middle of all of this hustle comes the Fourth of July, with cascading skyrockets and the "pop bang pop" in the night sky.

We love good picnic food, friends, and family gathering to share the festivities. But at many parties, someone, maybe you, could be simply too wound up to enjoy it. Maybe your spouse or partner has a "talent" for breaking your last straw. Maybe the heat and entertaining everyone else is too much. Whatever the reason, you're as explosive as the fireworks.

One minute, you're serving potato salad the next you're screaming uncontrollably. Maybe you had some alcohol, maybe not. Maybe this is the anniversary of another blow up and someone else is looking for payback. The reasons are as varied as the people losing their tempers are.

But I want you to know this: it is not your fault. And you can do something constructive about it.

Initially, my clients often describe their blow-ups as triumphs instead of disasters. They blame others who are just as much in the dark as my clients had been about what to do.

It's a lonely existence. So, they build walls of protection to hide behind. They often deny there's anything wrong because, "People don't really care." And the angry person lives in a plexi-glass tube, walking through life looking at other people who seem happy.

I used to live like that because I really didn't know what to do to make it change. I was miserable, powerless, undirected, and desperate for answers. Holidays were a chore. And as my kids got older and became more socially involved, what was I teaching them? To be miserable? To hate me? To make other people miserable? The hard and sad answer was "Yes" to all the above. I had to change.

I knew that I had to deal with my feelings better and that there were some unresolved feelings that I had to control. But before I could control them, I had to understand them and me, better.

To understand our behavior we must define how we think about our problems, ourselves, and other people. This is important because it sets up our expectations, and our patterns of behavior. Once we know what and how we think, we can explore what makes us think that way. This leads us to discover what we believe about ourselves and the world we live in. If you try to change your thinking without understanding what you believe, you will be putting a band-aid on a broke leg.

Through understanding your thinking and beliefs you open the door to trying new behaviors. These new behaviors will generate different responses than you might have experienced before. But they are no magic bullet. Many times people around us won't trust behaviors we try to change. They resist our efforts to become better people because they feel out of control. This often sabotages people's efforts to make healthy changes. And this is why a good Certified Anger Resolution Therapist is important to your progress.

If you are working to change your thinking, beliefs, behavior, and the way you experience other people, you are on your way to progress. But just like you can't learn karate from a book, you cannot learn behavior changes without proper coaching and direction. You need the support and experience of a good therapist and preferably one who is experienced with anger, not depression.

In a previous ezine article, Anger Management: Four Steps to Avoid Being Controlled by Your Anger Using Emotions As Tools, I discussed 4 steps to avoid being controlled by your anger. They were:

1. Recognize that you are angry,

2. Take a deep breath and question how real the threat is,

3. Choose a response that best fits the nature of the threat and

4. Take action.

This article touches upon steps 2 and 3 as I explore the nature of a "threat".

The message of anger according to the Emotions As Tools Model is that you believe you are facing a "threat" that you can overpower and eliminate by throwing enough force at it. Anger is an empowering emotion which energizes you, prepares you for action, and tells you that this is a battle you believe you can win.

There are two basic types of threat:

1. Survival based threats

2. Psychological threats

Survival threats include any situation where you believe your life or your limb is at risk.

Survival based threats are clear, easy to identify, and there is no ambiguity. If it looks like a threat, treat it as such. In these situations, it is recommended that you use all the power your anger gives you to hit, kick, claw, scream, or bite to protect yourself.

Dealing with survival based threats is the "reason" you have anger. These threats are the foundation for the development of anger as one of the basic emotions that existed when we were cave people and that can be found today in all human societies and some animal species.

Psychological threats are often very ambiguous because they are experienced as if they were survival threats but your life and limb are not at risk.

There are two basic types of psychological threat.

1. Perceived threats to your values, beliefs, goals, or sense of fairness.

2. Perceived threats to your model of the world.

A psychological threat appears to "attack" an important value, a belief, a goal, your sense of fairness or your beliefs about right and wrong.

Your values are strongly held beliefs about what is morally or ethically right in a given situation. If a strong value, moral, or ethical issue is at stake, then it is appropriate to use your anger as a motivator to take action to defend your values, morals, or ethics.

Other situations that are experienced as a psychological threat involve what you believe SHOULD be happening.

There are two basic possibilities with lots of variations.

First, there is the belief that A PERSON (or group) should act in a particular way toward you and is not.

Secondly, there is the belief about a SITUATION. This is the belief that something should happen in a given setting that is not happening.

In both cases, you have a model of the world in your head and the situation in which you find yourself is not consistent with that model.

The perceived threat is to your model.

When your model of the way the world should be is challenged, it may, or may not, be in your best interest to go on the attack.

These are some of the reasons for carefully choosing how you RESPOND..

The other person's view of the world is just as valid for them as yours is for you. To get angry about and attack another because they did not do what you believed they should, or must, do is to impose your beliefs on them. You probably do not like it when someone imposes their beliefs on you and it is the same for them.

The problem is that, while you are entitled to see the world any way you want, there is no justification to expect that the person, group, or situation will do what you want.

Your anger prepares you to overpower the threat without regard to the nature of the threat. You have to decide whether it is worth the effort to change the person or situation such that it meets your expectations.

Sometimes it will be worth it to respond and other times it will not.

Two examples:

1. In an office or home setting: "You should appreciate and reward the work I do." (A possible threat to your sense of fairness or to your model of the world.)

2. You are working on a project that isn't going well and you get angry at yourself (or the project): " I should be able to _____________. " ( A possible threat to your self-image.)

How do you deal with these situations?

We can revisit steps 2 and 3 at the beginning of this article for the answer.

Step 2, above suggests that you take a deep breath.

There are two reasons why it is always good to take a deep breath before you act when dealing with your emotions.

1. A deep breath calms you down just enough so that you can make an adaptive decision about what you want to do.

2. A deep breath gives you an extra second or two to consider what your next step will be.

Step 3 above addresses choosing your response.

There are two primary questions to ask.

I. WHAT IS REALLY AT RISK HERE?

A. Are my values, morals, or ethics being threatened?

If the answer is "yes", action is appropriate.

B. Is my model of the world, as I think it should be, being challenged?

If the answer is "yes", action MAY or MAY NOT be appropriate.

II. WHAT ACTION IS NEEDED?

A. Do I need to take some action to "right a perceived wrong"?

B. What action is in my best interest to take?

C. Is it better to take limited or no action as the other person's model is just as valid as mine?

It is the job of your emotion to alert you to the presence of a possible threat and prepare your body so you can take appropriate action.

It is the job of your cerebral cortex, the thinking part of your brain, to assess the situation in order to determine whether or not a threat exists and whether or not you need to take action.

I was running an anger management workshop recently and there happened to be a lot of parents in the room that day. One thing that amazed me was the need for anger management strategies when dealing with children. So this article will attempt to address this very common problem that parents face.

Firstly, I would like to clarify what I mean by the term: anger management for parents. Often children can be a source of anger and frustration for their parents in particular. Let's face it, it can be very difficult to manage your anger around your children. They seem to be able to press our buttons and are not always reasonable.

A lot of parents just don't know how to say no to their children. For some reason a lot of parents want to think of themselves as their child's best friend. A quick newsflash - your child needs a parent not a best friend. And a good parent knows how to say no to their child and risk not being liked. It is really hard for parents to say no to their children because you just don't know how they will respond. But... what's more important - to be liked or to be respected by your child? And if your able to do this, your child will turn out better from a developmental point of view. This is a very clear message from the research.

Saying no is essentially being assertive and bringing the issue to a head. Everyone knows where they stand.

Really the strategies do not differ from being assertive in other areas of your life. For example, if someone crosses over one of your boundaries and it is an issue for you, then you will need to address it. It is no different with your children. The big difference at home is that your children are going to cross of your boundaries all the time because they want to see what they can get away with. So it is imperative that you follow the assertiveness strategies. What are they? As discussed in previous articles the main steps involve:

(1) Identify when a personal boundary of yours has been crossed

(2) Address it through being assertive

(3) Continue to monitor your environment

So how does this translate to the home environment? Or how are you meant to respond to a boundary cross at home from your children? Say for example your child was beating up their younger brother or throwing food at the kitchen table. This may be a boundary cross for you and cause some negative reaction within you.

It is important that you address it with your child. But instead of focusing on what they did wrong, make it all about you. Explain to them why it is an issue for you and why it made you upset. There is probably a 90% chance that they will repeat the behaviour again. That is not the point. The point being that you have managed to address your anger and able to deal with them in a balanced manner.

Anger and resentment are such destructive emotions and if we hold them in over time they will fester inside and manifest as undesirable behaviour that does not serve us or anyone else.

It is very wise for us to find appropriate ways of expressing these emotions safely so that we can resolve our anger and move on, giving ourselves the best opportunity to live the life we wish to live.

As an adult it is important to acknowledge that you are in fact angry and wish to let it go.

If you feel that someone else is the cause of your anger then please realize that they are simply the trigger and not the cause. If you felt good about who you are you would not allow someone to affect you in such a negative way. You would respond differently instead of reacting with anger. Anger more often than not comes from the inner child part of yourself rather than the adult.

Ways to let your anger go safely can be as simple as obtaining a punching bag or pillow and belt it with everything you have. Get physical, or go for a brisk walk and with every step affirm to yourself 'I let go of my anger'.

Deep breathing is a great way to take you from anger to calmness. Be conscious and make a choice " just for today I let go of my anger". Then if you feel the anger rise take a breath and make another choice. We always have a choice how we can feel about anything. It is our choice!

In my experience in this life time, I have found that all the negative emotions come from the inner child part of ourselves, from the learnt behaviours and the experiences that we had that were not addressed as children. It may be a simple issue of not being listened to or not getting what you wanted at some time.

You may have witnessed some sort of abuse or even experienced it yourself, leaving you with these unresolved feelings. They then get triggered off time and time again. It is this part of you that needs to heal, the child part of you wants to be heard and simply loved. That love needs to come from the adult that you now are. Learn to love yourself and the child that you were. Be kind to yourself.

Anger is an intense emotion that sometimes comes without warning or justification; however, learning to question the sources of anger can provide healing. In the moment of anger, you are not likely to rationally evaluate these questions but returning to them later can help you to manage your anger in the future.

The story of Jonah is familiar (he is the guy who was swallowed by a big fish and spit out three days later) but if it has been a while, review the four short chapters found in the Old Testament in the Book of Jonah. The Bible is filled with practical stories of people who struggled with the same things you struggle with today and provides practical application to your daily life.

Who was Jonah angry with? Initially, Jonah's anger and deep prejudice towards the Assyrians who were the enemies of the Israelites was revealed by his reluctance to go to Nineveh, the capital of the Assyria. Many years earlier, the Assyrians had invaded Judea and scattered the Jewish people across many nations. Later on, Jonah's anger expanded to God himself when he complained that God spared the lives of the Assyrians instead of killing them with His wrath for destroying Judea. Just like Jonah, the initial person we direct our anger towards may not be the true source of our anger. Asking questions such as "Who am I really angry with?" and "What previous time does this anger remind me of?" can go a long way in helping to reveal the true source of anger.

What was Jonah angry about? Jonah knew of God's love and mercy which is why he did not want to go to Nineveh in the first place. He did not want God to spare the lives of the Assyrians; instead he wanted God to show his wrath and eliminate them. When Jonah finally conceded and went to Nineveh, he did so with the expectation that God take his revenge on the Assyrians. Jonah did not want good to come to the Assyrians, he wanted harm. Sometimes we too become angry when good comes to those whom we believe should be harmed or punished for their actions. This is all too evident when a child becomes a victim of some evil, especially at the hands of someone they trust. Ask yourself the question "What am I really angry about?" Often it is not the most obvious answer; rather it is the answer behind the initial response.

How did Jonah show his anger? Jonah traveled in the opposite direction of Nineveh. We call this passive aggressive anger which is doing the opposite of what another person wants you to do because you are angry with them. Jonah then told the sailors to throw him overboard instead of going back to shore; basically he would rather die than do what God asked. We call this aggressive and/or extreme anger which is acting in a manner to draw attention to yourself and your anger. When Jonah finally agreed to go to Nineveh and preach, he did it reluctantly as demonstrated by his response when God forgave the Assyrians. We call this suppressing anger which is ignoring the anger initially in order to keep the peace or obey someone but then becoming angry later. Ask, "How do I show my anger: is it passive aggressive, aggressive or suppressive?" Revealing your pattern of behavior when angry can help to identify times when the anger is not so obvious.

Where did Jonah show his anger? At the beginning of the story, Jonah showed his anger to the shipmates when he asked them to throw him overboard. His initial reaction to his anger was not the best. At the end of the story, we see Jonah going outside of the city to complain to God about his generosity which is a far better alternative. Often times, going away from the environment that makes you angry can help you to have a greater perspective on the true source of your anger. Notice that Jonah was honest with God about his anger and did not cover up his feelings. True prayer and communication with our Creator requires honesty on your part and in turn, God will communicate with you.

You can answer the "why" question of your anger better by answering the "who", "what", "how" and "where" questions regarding your anger first. True anger management can only begin when we understand the sources of our anger and learn how to cope with intense feelings of emotion. If you are struggling with your anger, talking with a counselor can help to shed some light on how to manage your anger.

What does putting yourself first mean?

I don't believe our society really teaches us how to put ourselves first. We know how to put the needs of other people first, wherein we're encouraged to be considerate and understanding and empathic towards other people. But we are not really encouraged to look after our own needs. Society makes you think that if you choose to look after your own needs, then you're being selfish. Nothing could be more further from the truth. Some people focus too much on the needs of others, often to the detriment of their own needs.

Do you do this? Do you focus on everyone else's needs but your own? First, you need to change how you think about the term, "me first," or "being selfish". You need to broaden your understanding of this term. Putting yourself first is not necessarily a bad thing to do. In fact, it is needed for your own psychological, sometimes physical well-being. It does not make you a selfish individual, and if you can broaden your context around this. For example, how you think about this term, putting yourself first, then this is the first step to getting in control of your anger.

Why do we struggle with this, you may wonder. I honestly believe, it's because we need approval from other people, and when we don't get this, this destroys us inside. Think about your own life for a second. When you interact with other people, when there are conversations or when people ask things of you, is your first thought to please them or make them like you? The answer is probably yes. And this simple way of being really influences our behavior.

Think back over you life, maybe the last couple of years. How did you behave when somebody asked you to do something that you didn't really want to do? Or when someone crossed a personal boundary of yours? Please refer to the chapter on boundary setting if you are unclear about what I mean by this. What did you do? Did you stand up for yourself and think about, "what's important for me?" Or did you respond by thinking about what the other person wants and "how can I make them happy?" The answer is probably the latter. You would have not really cared about yourself and would have wanted to make the other person happy.

This can get people in a lot of trouble when it comes to anger management. It can cause people's anger to brew and brew and brew. It is not really a sustainable way of being, and eventually people will explode. Eventually, YOU will explode! So you may think that you are helping other people by being the nice guy or the nice girl, but ultimately this behavior is to your own detriment. It is really causing you anger management problems, and ultimately, negatively impacting your close personal relationships. It's a vicious cycle.

Putting yourself first also means making decisions for yourself and not letting others make them for you. Sounds like a crazy concept, doesn't it? Making decisions for yourself? You take the statement for granted. "Of course I do," you may be saying to yourself. But do you really? When you think about your life, how often are you actually making the decisions in your life? How often are other people really making these decisions for you? Think about this question and statement for a second. When you run your ideas through other people, i.e., friends and family, do you get them to give you specific advice on what decision you should make, or do you get them to give you their perspective, i.e., different things that you need to be thinking about?